Doco Time: Monster Bug Wars fucking sucks

Oh wow. This WordPress ‘New post’ feature is neato.

I can read soaringwings and write at the same time.

If you come from a land down under, you may have watched this new Summer show called Monster Bug War.

I like the straight to the point title. This show is about Bugs ripping into each other. Animals fighting each other is pretty cool. And it’s hosted by one of my favourite presenters from science show Catalyst; Paul Willis. So what could go wrong?

A lot.

Firstly, a lot has been said about the annoying as fuck sound effects. If we want to watch animals fights, we should watch it as it is. Imagine a video of two mongrels biting into each other and someone edited in lightsaber effects. But nope, there’s like a scene of a Beetle moaning like a cow as Ants rip into it.

The concept itself has been too Xtrem-ised for my liking. The dog eat dog world of the animal world is interesting enough and I have never liked programs that try to string a story or meaning out of nothing.

I remember watching a documentary on Channel Ten that I came to hate called Meerkat Manor. In short script, it turned the life of Meerkats into a 20th century soap opera. Similarly, this show tries to describe every jump, bite and crawl in military terms.

Perhaps as a clear sign of how we should ‘stay far away from this tv program,’ there’s only two obligatory experts for this show.

Other Comments: A quick google search led to a discovery that the show is most likely based off a similar American show. Well, that could explain why it sucked so much. My 1st Rule of Comedy is ‘Never copy another man’s act to the cue’.

I’m 25 Years Old and I can’t believe I’m still watching Kid’s Shows.

Next up on my grand sweep of all the Kiddie Show is Gyrozetter.

 

The show starts from the viewpoint of the Annoying Reporter. He introduces us to the futuristic setting. We, the viewers are now in a world not too far from now, Cars have been replaced by ‘AI Cars’ and these cars are so freaking good that even kids under the age of 18 can drive them. Wait hang on? Isn’t this aimed at KIDS? We got to watch out because this will give them bad ideas! Like that one time after I watched 24, I strapped my neighbour to a chair and electrocuted his nipples with a broken telephone wire.

 

Getting back to the Cars, I think they are broken. Other then making it easier for Kids to go GTA on my ass and fill up the gas, I don’t get what’s so AI about it. You still need to drive it and you still have to pass bullshit driving exams which might I add, is an oxymoron down here. This isn’t my vision of the world where Cars drive themselves while you played boardgames with your kids.

 

Next, we’re introduced to the main characters. There’s a Mami Clone, the Token Loli, a Fat Guy who looks like JT from Digimon Frontier and the obligatory Idiot MC. Naturally the Idiot has to come late because you know. Fuck you school. Not soon after, the plot kick starts and launches. The Idiot is taken to a 5-man command centre where we learn he has been chosen by runes written on a rock. He is also given his own spanking Mecha/Car. And despite no training whatsover and the model being ‘experimental’, he still manages to take it for a spin like a pro. Classic Mecha Stuff.

 

With his new Weapon of Choice, he takes on the bad guys and they’ve taken the Girls hostage. Not surprisingly and because of Rule of Action, the Idiot quickly gets the hang of things and wins the fight against the Baddies. Despite only being damaged, they retreat to fight another day. At the end of the episode, we learn that the bad guys are very bad because they wear the same uniform and have hundreds of the same car model.

 

First question, why the hell are Fictional Girls always getting kidnapped and why is it always the Men who are risking their lives? Where’s the insurance for the poor blokes who always have to rescue fictional damsels?

 

For a show about transforming robots, I’m disappointed it didn’t have a ‘Transformer’ transforming scene especially since this is a show where these Car Robots can be piloted. If you ever watched Transformers and then sat in a car you probably wondered, where the hell those Arms and legs came from? And you’d notice in the toys that they have plastic blocks where the car seats should be. That’s cause cars aren’t designed with Transforming robots in mind. They’re meant to get you around and are built with a light metal frame. And from there, wheels, seats, the dashboard and all the stuff that makes the interior of a car, a car are added in.

 

I remember watching Transformers and wondering where the Autobots and Decepticons hide their limbs. The Human characters often rode inside the Cars and there were no metal arms there. Cause there certainly wasn’t enough space for arms and legs to fit in the trunk, the engine or under the car. The Bay Trilogy came along and still left the question unanswered. Instead, this show went for a visual solution. The 10 second Transformation Sequence has the car driving through a magical tunnel and coming out of it, re-arranged as a giant robot with the interior becoming a typical mecha cockpit. It’s a bloody shame since I thought this series would reconcile the differences between the coolness of giant robots and somewhat realistic Car design.

 

Something to note while watching this. If you watched the last Digimon, you might find The Idiot uncannily familiar. It might even have given you cold turkey listening to his voice. But yes, The Idiot is voiced by Marina Inoue who played Tagiru in Digimon Xros Hunters. Which was the Worst Season of Digimon thanks, in no part to that little bastard. Tagiru can be distinguished as a Typical Shounen Idiot Lead carbon copy with nothing to distinguish him from other characters.

 

Sure, Savers fit the Shounen character tropes to a cue; the Fiery Idiot Leader, Calm, Intelligent Guy and That Girl. But at least, Marcus was memorable for being so over-the-top that he was almost a parody. In one of the last episodes, he ran up the side of a collapsing building, slanted diagonally just to punch out the villain.

 

It’s like A-1 Pictures is playing a practical joke or Japan loved Tagiru more then a reasonable man would. The Main Guy combines the character design of Taiki with the voice and personality of Tagiru. THIS is the Unholy Love Child born of the hypothetical Mpreg, Yaoi fanfiction that should never be written. Fair to say, if he keeps on sucking, he’ll get on my nerve. So the shows cliched, the characters might piss me off. Although transforming robots is going to keep me coming back. Going to watch it again to see how far this not-Transformers can go.

 

The Big Appeal: Cars that transform into Robots AND YOU CAN PILOT THEM! It’s like Transformers only with that extra dose of awesome. Best of all, no Michael Bay.

Will it sell?: Transformers is a well-established franchise so going to be hard to beat. But, Transforming Robots always work. It combines the thrill of driving with the thrill of stomping around in your personal Giant FUCKING Robot.

Saunders University Song, sung to the Battle Hymn of the Republic

My eyes have seen the glory of the driving of the tanks
We’re trampling on the farmers fields, our ammo is well-stored
Our Shermans strike like lightning and slash them like a sword
Our Tanks are Marching On

Glory Glory
Saunders Uni
Glory Glory
Saunders Uni
Our Tanks are Marching on

 

I have seen them being blasted by a hundred circling tanks

We’ve the biggest school you’ll ever see, we’ve cheats in every ranks

Our Goddess Kay leads from the front we strikes em on the flanks

Our Tanks are marching on.

 

Glory Glory
Saunders Uni
Glory Glory
Saunders Uni
Our Tanks are Marching on

 

I have read the tankers manual bond and written in plain text

It’s written here that there ain’t anything against our intercepts

We cunningly sent up balloons

And we also have 10 tanks

Our Tanks are Marching on

 

Glory Glory
Saunders Uni
Glory Glory
Saunders Uni
Our Tanks are Marching on

 

The trumpet that is sounded marks the time to give a beat

Our zerg rushing will never cease, nor ever will retreat

We’ve brought salons, we’ve brought a bar, we’ve brought a BBQ

Our Tanks are marching on!

 

Glory Glory
Saunders Uni
Glory Glory
Saunders Uni
Our Tanks are Marching on